


Insuffera6le

by romulusgloriosus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: DISC9SSI9N 9F, M/M, Suicide, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, VERY PR96LEMATIC, WHEN ARE Y9U G9ING T9 CANCEL THIS WRITER WHY D9 Y9U KEEP READING HIS AWFUL W9RKS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 19:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21325495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romulusgloriosus/pseuds/romulusgloriosus
Summary: Dirk Strider meets the love of his life.
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Kankri Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	Insuffera6le

Oh, hey. I didn’t see you come in. What’s up? Are you having a good day? Glad to hear it. Unless you said that you were having a bad day, in which case, well, dude, way to totally bring down the mood. I’m trying to be friendly here. Trying to ease things up. I’m not the Dirk you’re probably expecting. The moody guy, the prick, the awful, dare I say “evil” one. I’m the good one. You know, the “canon” one. The one all the Dirk kinnies try to tell you is the real Dirk. Yeah, that’s me. I’m just really shooting out beams of positivity out of every orifice today. 

I also didn’t kill myself for some reason. That’s right, we’re in the “Candy” universe now, but I’m not dead! Yep, we’re avoiding some major Sadstuck in this Chili’s today, because your boy Dirk Strider is alive and well. Hey, important note - don’t kill yourself. Even when you think that you’re in a bind and the only solution is to have your head cut off, it probably isn’t. Get help. Or just, I don’t know, keep living with your illness and/or awful circumstances but continue utilizing unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’m not your therapist. Imagine thinking that I’d make a good therapist. That’s my daughter’s schtick.

So anyway, yeah, I bet you’re wondering how everything changed because I didn’t die. Did John and Roxy actually communicate? Take their time before rushing into marriage? Did I fix Dave’s relationship problems and hook him up with Karkat while telling him to leave Jade tied up alone out in the rain? Am I happy with Jake, my eternal boyfriend, doing those stupid shows we do while being married men? What happened with Jane? “Tell me all of the world building, Dirk,” I can hear you saying.

“Tell me all of it.”

Sorry, that’s not what this story is about.

I’m here to get it on with some troll. Jake won’t be appearing in this story. Take from that what you will.

Hey, did you read “_Danse Macabre_”? It’s by this author. Go into his “Works” and find it and read it. I’m not going to waste any time setting up this scene because it’s already there. We’re in da club. It’s Halloween. I’m dressed like a god damn slutty pumpkin because I’m planning on getting it in tonight, and “slutty pumpkin” is basically my dream aesthetic. Who doesn’t think of Dirk Strider and think, “oh yeah, the slutty pumpkin?” If you don’t, you’re dead to me.

Dave’s DJ-ing. I nod to him across the room. He nods back. Cool. I’m sure he’s probably wondering why he’s DJ-ing – what are they going to do, pay him? – but he doesn’t get it like I do. If you need a DJ, and you want that DJ to be someone meaningful and not just a carapacian or something, then it’s gotta be Dave. Either that, or me. And I’m the principle character here so it’s not going to be me. And honestly? Dave’s better at DJ-ing. Dave’s better at most things.

Anyway, so I’m supposed to get it in with some dude named “Kankri Vantas” – dear god, how “shitty OC” can you make a name? Why didn’t they just have me fuck Karkat instead of whatever weird Karkat knock off they’re going with? I hear he’s hot now. Like, eyepatch, side cape, eight pack hot. Also single. Or maybe not? Maybe my influence made Dave and Karkat reconcile and I kept Jane from going full on batshit bananas. Who cares. I guess for whatever reason I’m winding up with “Kankri Vantas” tonight.

I bump into some troll who looks exactly like Karkat, black sweater and eyeliner and all. What kind of bullshit fanfic is this exactly?

DIRK: Hey.  
KANKRI: Hell9, I’m very s9rry 6ut I’m n9t really in the m99d t9 talk.  
DIRK: Sure, whatever. Are you “Kankri Vantas”?  
KANKRI: ...yes, I am. Have we met 6ef9re? S9rry, I kn9w that I met quite a few pe9ple in the dream 6u66les 6ut it’s hard f9r me t9 remem6er specifics.

69\. Nice.

DIRK: Nah, we haven’t met before, but apparently tonight I’m the guy of your dreams.

It’s not a very clever pick up line, but I’m trying to hurry this along. The non-canonicity of this whole interaction is poisoning my soul. I guess this guy’s not too happy with it though, because his eyes go wide and his lips draw back like an angry wolf. Huh, that’s actually kind of hot. Maybe boning this alien won’t be so bad after all. I won’t lie and say I didn’t have my reservations about

KANKRI: EXCUSE ME?  
DIRK: I said, apparently tonight I’m the guy of your  
KANKRI: D9. Y9U. HAVE. ANY. IDEA. H9W. UTTERLY.  
KANKRI: ***_PR96LEMATIC*_**  
KANKRI: Y9U ARE 6EING 6Y SAYING THAT?

Ah shit. Woke Karkat. Why isn’t this guy with Dave, again? I mean, aside from being a completely non-canon fantroll. Whatever. I’m boning this dude by the end of the story, so maybe I’ll play into the dynamic. Trolls love to hate fuck, right? That’s like a whole thing of theirs.

DIRK: You want to do something about it, snowflake?  
KANKRI: I

He suddenly deflates. His shoulders slump, his arms cross his chest, and he might...he might even be crying a little? His eyeliner is building up a little bit. He doesn’t say anything else. He seems to be avoiding my gaze, looking out into the crowd of da club. Shit, this is awkward.

DIRK: Hey. I  
KANKRI: Y9u are a terri6le pers9n and I w9uld rather n9t speak t9 y9u anym9re.

Ah fuck. Me and you both, dude. But apparently we gotta get our pants down pretty soon so let’s get to you falling in love with me.

KANKRI: Y9u 6eing s9 incredi6ly f9rceful with me is n9t g9ing t9 make me any m9re susceptible t9 y9ur extremely pr96lematic c9ncupiscient fantasies. I am 9n rec9rd as 6eing celi6ate, y9u kn9w, with zer9 interest in pailing with any9ne. Especially n9t in a 6lack way. Especially n9t with y9u.

Wait, hold on. What?

D9 y9u think I can’t hear every disgusting thing that’s g9ing thr9ugh y9ur head? D9 y9u think that I spent milli9ns 9f sweeps in the afterlife d9ing n9thing 6ut giving impassi9ned speeches 9n 6ehalf 9f 6ef9ran Justice? While y9u were dealing with y9ur relati9nship issues, I studied the 69nds that 6uilt s9ciety. While y9u were pailing with wh9ever caught y9ur fancy, I mastered the chains 9f Bl99d. While y9u wasted y9ur days in pursuit 9f an increasingly less c9mpelling narrative, I cultivated Righte9us F9rtitude. And n9w that the w9rld is even m9re pr9blematic than ever (n9 thanks t9 y9ur meddling!) y9u have the audacity t9 assume I can’t hear y9ur little prattles?

Huh. Well, shit. I might just be in love.

That’s great. Really w9nderful. I’d say I’m flattered, but y9u’re a piece 9f shit, Dirk Strider. I’m glad y9u didn’t ch99se t9 take part in that h9rrifically pr96lematic (TW: suicide) suicide scene after all, 6ut that’s a69ut the extent 9f any kind 9f sympathy I have f9r y9u. H9nestly? I can’t think 9f any9ne I l9athe m9re than y9u. Y9u t99k a wh9les9me ending f9r twelve children, INCLUDING Y9URSELF, and twisted it s9 that it was s9meh9w even m9re pr96lematic than the 9riginal text, which, I sh9uld need n9t have to remind y9u, was *already* 9utrage9usly indecent. Why c9uldn’t y9u just LET H9MESTUCK DIE and sl9wly 6ec9me 96scured 6y the r9se c9l9red glasses 9f y9uth? 6y 6ringing it 6ack, y9u’ve damned us all.

Yeah I don’t really buy that.

What?

Sorry, I do think it’s really hot that you’re so passionate about this, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t really buy that Homestuck is better off a memory than an ongoing work. We’re living in the age of franchises now and almost all of them have a corporate hand guiding them and injecting them with focus group tested propaganda. Homestuck is so well known it’s capable of trending worldwide, but, with the exception of a few publication deals, is privately owned by a team of queer creators who are able to tell stories that aren’t focus group tested and actually present cathartic themes for a segment of the population that is usually drowned out by the tyranny of the majority. So why not make Homestuck a franchise? Why not create an expanded universe with a cast of queer characters experiencing issues that go hand in hand with a queer adolescence and a queer adulthood?

Y9u really need t9 st9p using the q-slur. It’s c9mpletely inappr9priate and plenty 9f pe9ple are triggered 6y it.

Yeah, okay, fine. I can do that. I think it’s been properly reclaimed to the point where it’s a pretty useful term for a segment of the population that is otherwise referred to by an alphabet soup, and I, being a member of the community, deserve the right to make that choice of labeling for myself, but since people are going to be reading this, I will abstain from using it further. You know why?

D9 I need t9 know why?

Because I’m the good Dirk, remember? Canon Dirk. I didn’t kill myself. I’m a woke boy like Dave who is aware of how much damage I can cause and want to work to better myself.

9h please! Y9u JUST called me a sn9wflake!

I mean, to be fair, you are kind of a snowflake. Even people who agree with you hate you because you’re so much of a snowflake.

The pe9ple wh9 dislike my rhet9ric just need t9 c9me t9 terms with the fact that it is 6ad t9 t9ne p9lice s9me9ne. I have str9ng 9pini9ns and I will n9t 6ack d9wn fr9m them. N9r sh9uld I! I am speaking the truth!

Yeah.

What’s that supp9sed t9 mean?

DIRK: Look man, we’re kind of just standing here awkwardly in “da club.” There are other dudes looking over this slutty pumpkin right now and to be perfectly honest, if you’re not interested, I’m not going to force it. Fuck the tags. Consent is key. And those dudes over there look like they’re more than willing to consent to a night of fun. See you around, dude.  
KANKRI: Wait!  
DIRK: Hm?  
KANKRI: L99k, I...I definitely find y9u abs9lutely repulsive. 6ut there’s n9 denying there’s the p9ssi6ility 9f at9nement f9r y9u, and I...  
DIRK: Whoa, are those “black feelings” you’re describing there, Kankri Vantas?  
KANKRI: I AM JUST SAYING THAT THIS FANFICTI9N IS LA6ELED “MATURE” AND N9T “EXPLICIT.” Despite *everything*, I’ve rather enj9yed 9ur little discussi9n s9 far and may6e we c9uld take it elsewhere?

I smirk.

9f c9urse y9u d9. Y9u’re s9 insuffera6le.

DIRK: Are you asking me to go home with you?  
KANKRI: Why d9 I feel a str9ng sense 9f deja vu?  
DIRK: Lurk moar.  
KANKRI: *N9*, I’d rather n9t g9 6ack t9 my hive with y9u.  
DIRK: My place then? Huh, you’re braver than I thought.  
KANKRI: Sh9uld I feel intimidated, Mr. Strider?  
DIRK: Nah. I just thought you didn’t trust strangers.  
KANKRI: I’d like t9 think 9f y9u as m9re 9f an acquaintance n9w.  
DIRK: Sounds good to me.


End file.
